


The Vessel

by icherishpotatoes



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Azgeda, Canon-Typical Violence, Dark, Dubcon Kissing, Dubious Consent, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Graphic Violence, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Ice Nation - Freeform, Injured lexa, Injury, Injury Recovery, Mount Weather, Polis, Slow Burn, Smut, Treason
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-07-22 20:46:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7453396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icherishpotatoes/pseuds/icherishpotatoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place after the knife scene between Clarke and Lexa. Following that the story completely diverges from canon. Treason threatens the balance the coalition upholds and the Ice Queen is out for blood. Can Clarke forgo the resentment she feels towards the commander at another chance of achieving peace and will they be able to work together to destroy a mutual enemy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I could tell she had no intention of disarming me. Several emotions flashed through her eyes. She was shocked the second I pressed the knife against her but they were daring me the next. I pushed her slightly; I wanted her to feel threatened. I felt time suspend as I waited for her to throw me off. Part of me didn’t know why I was doing this. I wanted to show her the whirlwind of emotions caged inside of me in contrast to her calm and collected exterior. I wanted to hurt her but not like this situation implied. I wanted her to contemplate my threat to her life and not discard it as vain choice of words spoken during moments of rage. _I’ll kill you._ The words echoed between us. Part of me wanted her to hate me back too.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was low and her composure faltering. I could tell the ruthlessness of her actions were catching up to the part of her that was calloused. She looked at me as though she was dumbstruck by the wave of emotion that hit her. I tried to harden my resolve. My mind tossed me a quick visual, me pushing the knife further until I broke skin and her, falling to her knees, grasping her neck while blood pooled all over her torso. I felt bile rise up in my throat. I pushed her away and dropped the knife. I could feel her eyes following my movements but she made no attempt to move. 

“I never meant to turn you into this.” It was only a whisper, said as though she was afraid of provoking a reaction. She didn’t recognize who this was and frankly neither did I. She said I could leave. She said my mother was here and I was free to go. It was futile. I couldn’t run away from this just to spite her. I couldn’t be selfish to my people. I couldn’t be nothing. 

She began to walk away.

“Wait.” I whirled around. Lexa kept her back to me for a heavy second but when she turned I could see the woman behind the title, armor and weapons. She was just Lexa. It made me angry that I could see her despite what she did. This time I had the upper hand, she couldn’t hurt me anymore than she already had, but I could.

“I’ll do it. I’ll bow to you.”

__________________________________

Clarke met with her mother and Marcus. They were both hesitant to join Lexa’s coalition when she could just as easily betray them again. They needed to establish a fail safe. The three of them discussed options for how to avoid another unforeseen circumstance that could put their people in danger. Clarke requested a private meeting with Lexa after talking with Abby and Kane.

Lexa left the throne room and met Clarke in a space intended for private negotiations. The checkered bars cast a faint light against the walls of the room. There was a round wooden table placed in the middle with chairs tucked into it. Neither of them bothered to sit, glancing uncomfortably at each other across in the room.

“I have terms.” Lexa raised her head slightly, curiosity peeking at what Clarke could possibly want. “I’m listening.”

“I want Mount Weather. My people want to build another camp there.”

Lexa closed her eyes and slowly tilted her head to the side, disappointment etching her features. “It’s out of the question, Clarke.”

“My people need insurance you won’t betray us again.” Her tone was persistent.

Lexa's eyes flashed open in that instant. “By giving them access to weapons that could wipe us out?!” 

Clarke bristled at the penetrating gaze. “Oh trust me, one genocide was enough. I have no intention of provoking another. We just need their resources and a way to protect ourselves.”

"The Coalition _will_ protect you."

"Just like the alliance did?" Clarke fired back.

“You’re a smart leader, Clarke. You know I can’t give you Maunde. It killed and took my people for decades, turned them into reapers and for as long as my people have lived, there was no motive but to terrorize. Even now with what we have learned about the mountain, reapers weren’t created out of a need for the mountain men to survive. They were created for sadistic purposes. They turned us into the monsters they so insisted we were. We survived on the outside when they thought there wasn’t any other way. Just like your people, who came here and realized the earth was inhabited. As soon as they did, they tried to lay claim on it.”

There was a short pause before Clarke spoke. 

“You have my priorities mistaken if you think a history lesson is going to change the reason I’m still standing here. My people need what the mountain offers and if you don’t agree to my terms then we are done talking.”

Lexa folded her hands behind her back, trying to exude false confidence. “I don’t agree to your terms Clarke but I’m sure we can reach a compromise. One we can both live with.” 

Clarke wanted to leave but she knew nothing would be gained. They were both going to have to find a way to get what they wanted.

Clarke put her feelings aside for the sake of reaching a mutual agreement with the commander. There were moments when she couldn’t keep the edge off her voice or when her angry retorts couldn’t be quelled. Lexa tried to remain monotone and impassive but where the blonde was involved, she could hardly brace her own response. What bothered Clarke the most was how much their discussions reminded her of the mutual understandings they reached before the betrayal, when she thought peace could be achieved and that life should be more than just survival. It was naive and she had learned that the hard way. Clarke relayed the discussion with Lexa to Abby and Kane. Come tomorrow night, the coalition would be formed. In a few days, Clarke and Lexa would be on their way to mount weather. They agreed to secure the transportation of resources to Arkadia and permanently destroy the place that cast a shadow on the grounders. The sky people would not settle in the mountain but they will exhaust all its rations and medical supplies.

_______________________________

The hand-maidens prepared Clarke for the ceremony that would make Arkadia the 13th clan. She hadn’t seen Lexa before the ceremony and when she walked into the throne room, she was momentarily stunned. She expected her to don her commander armor and sword. Instead, she was in a black elegant dress, face paint smudged sharply across her eyes. Clarke stood in front of her and they had everyone’s undying attention. Lexa was undoubtedly nervous; Clarke was still volatile and unpredictable. She just wanted to get it over with, they both did. Clarke bowed, it meant nothing, but to everyone else it was a sign of wanheda’s submission to the commander. A breath Lexa didn’t know she was holding escaped her. One step at a time, she was going to destroy a symbol of fear that was the mountain and cease the Ice Queen’s attempts at destroying the coalition she worked very hard to form.

Abby and Kane left shortly after the ceremony to send word of the plans for Mount Weather. Clarke went back to her quarters that night and confined herself to it for most of the next day. She had to attend a brief clan meeting in the morning for her benefit and was briefed on the situation of several other clans. Lexa didn’t pay her any attention that she hadn’t given to the other ambassadors. The meetings surmised with no one having to add anything. Lexa stood up and nodded, dismissing them.

Clarke stayed rooted to her seat as they all shuffled out of the room. The commander walked to the middle of the throne room, hands tucked behind her and posture held high, waiting for Clarke to get across whatever was on her mind. The blonde walked up to her, stopping a few steps short.

“Look at me.”

“What do you want, Clarke?” Lexa said, facing away.

“You’re a coward.”

That’s when Lexa turned, dangerously slow, her eyes held the same fire they did when they first met in her tent all those months ago. Difference was that it no longer scared Clarke.

“Have you stayed behind to get a rise out of me?”

“I need to make sure you send the agreed amount of warriors to Mount Weather.”

“I said I would, reminding me changes nothing.”

“You expect me to believe you would send a small group of warriors to a place you would be vulnerable at?”

“As I recall, you haven’t left me much of a choice. Before we reach Mount Weather scouts will stay behind if anything should go wrong. There are much bigger threats at play here. If that was your only concern Clarke, then you are dismissed.” Clarke walked past Lexa and out the door without another word. Her steps were heavy with dread. So many things could go wrong at revisiting the mountain. They were treading a thin line even with the coalition they formed. One day they were enemies, the next they were allies; it all felt like a farce.

The following day, Clarke decided to explore what the Tower had to offer. The floor she was on contained Lexa’s living quarters, the throne room, and other meeting spaces. The floor below was reserved for the other ambassadors’ living quarters. Clarke had wondered why she wasn’t placed there. Perhaps with the threat of the Ice Nation, it wasn’t safe. Another floor had one door, guards situated at the either side opened it for her. She went inside and was swarmed by several shelves that loomed over the large expanse of the room. There were people inside as well, their image felt disconnected from the world she was growing accustomed to. There was no urgency in their movements, their postures were relaxed and no one seemed to mind her presence. She began surveying the books perched on the thick limber shelves. Back on the Ark, they didn’t have physical copies of books. She found the bindings fascinating, some she recognized as dating before the nuclear bombings and others that looked to have more intricate and detailed designs. Soon enough, she began to wonder how they were organized. She picked random books and flipped through the pages. Some were in English and other in Trigedasleng. She read a bit on weaponry, cooking, politics and then she found a book on the spirit of the commander. It immediately peaked her interest.

Lexa had mentioned something vaguely similar once. She looked up from her seat and found that everyone had left and that the sun had already set. A book for another day, perhaps. Lexa still set a twister of emotions inside her. She was curious but she didn’t want to give Lexa the satisfaction of knowing she was.

She put the book back in the shelf and walked towards her living quarters. The hallway was quiet and she absently wondered where Lexa was. She hadn’t seen her all day. Tomorrow they would have to have to begin their ride to Mount Weather. She entered her quarters and found a tray of food situated at the corner of the room. There was fruit, cheese and bread. Her stomach grumbled in response. Back on the Ark, the rations were tasteless. She only detested how comfortable she was getting in Polis.


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke woke up early; the handmaidens had sewn custom clothing for her similar to the ones she wore on the ark. Her sleeves were adorned in blue stripes and she had a hood and a light layer of armor. Clarke liked it and that gave her a sense of uneasiness.

They met in the hallway, Lexa wore her battle armor but her face was clear of warpaint. Fitting since they were not going to war.

“Clarke.” Lexa nodded.

“Commander.”

The elevator ride was awkward to say the least, a guard who seemed to follow Lexa everywhere was standing behind them.  
They walked through the city to the stables and she could tell Lexa was a favorable leader. Her presence didn’t seem strange or out of the ordinary as they passed through. Lexa stopped when a few children surrounded her and asked her to play with them, she ruffled their hair and laughed at their childlike nature. It was a rarity to see Lexa smile. Clarke huffed at the exchange. She didn’t want to see this side of her; it didn’t do either of them any good. They reached the stables where three dozen warriors clad in trikru garb stood waiting.

A stable boy reigned in two horses for Clarke and Lexa. “No, bring the brown mare for Clarke.” Lexa told him.

“I don’t want special treatment.”

“And I don’t want you falling off your horse.” she retorted.

“You don’t know what I've done when I was away.”

“Must you challenge me at every turn?” Lexa was exasperated with Clarke’s nonsensical remarks.

“When I challenge you, you’ll know it, heda.” she said it in a mocking nature.

Lexa gave Clarke a not so subtle death glare, if this were anyone else she wouldn’t have let it slide. Lexa mounted her stallion in one smooth motion; Clarke tried to hide her inexperience as she climbed her own mare. In the past four hours they’ve stopped a few times for the scouts to clear the surrounding areas. Lexa spoke to her warriors about their villages and she listened to their concerns good-heartedly. No words were exchanged between her and Clarke. Clarke for a moment, felt at peace. She could easily pretend this was an exploration trip through the woods; the steady stride of her horse put her in an odd sense of calmness. But she was conditioned to expect disaster followed by a short respite. It was the way of life. They dismounted their horses by a lake to have a small meal before continuing their journey. Lexa took reign of the horses while her warriors prepared the fire and food. She made sure the horses were fed and gently stroked their necks. Clarke thought if Lexa wasn't commander, then she would have raised cattle and grazed the fields. She imagined her growing up on a farm and it almost made her smile but the harsh realities of their situation brought her back from her musings. Clarke decided to break the silence.

“Your people admire you.” she said.

“I’m glad you think so, Clarke. Everything I do is for them.”

“Wouldn’t you become resentful for it?”

“To be commander is a great honor.”

Several thoughts came to Clarke’s mind but the bitter side of her won. “There’s nothing honorable about betraying your allies during war.”

“I was only doing my duty.” Lexa said, deflated.

“You talk like there wasn’t any other way. We could’ve saved everyone.” Clarke couldn’t back-peddle from this.

“You know what their weapons are capable of, Clarke. We could’ve saved your people's lives but at the expense of my mine. I know I made a deal with you but I couldn’t let it happen. Especially after the bomb I let descend upon them.”

“Then why don’t you use their weapons? I’ve seen Polis and I know you’re not primitive people.”

“Abstaining from the use of mass-murdering weapons is not a primitive notion. I don’t expect you to understand our culture but one day you will.” Lexa had a far-away look in her eyes. They ended their discussion and ate their venison in silence. They needed to cover more ground and set camp for the night.

In the morning, they rode out again. Clarke and Lexa revised their agreement. They would only take medical supplies and anything else that did not involve weaponry. A few trikru and skaikru would enter the base and collectively retrieve the supplies. According to Abby and Kane, the bodies would be removed before the extraction.

“I know how you feel about the mountain.” Lexa said, giving Clarke a sideways glance. “You don’t have to be anywhere near it when they carry out the bodies.”

“I have to own up to what I did.”

“You saved your people. You don’t need to torture yourself for it.”

Clarke seemed to think it over. She sighed and nodded. “Then I won’t.”

Once they reached Mount Weather, the sky people were already there with a camp set up.

“Clarke!” Octavia ran towards the blonde and enveloped her in a tight hug. “I’m glad to see you’re okay. We were worried.” Bellamy was not far off behind. He hugged Clarke the same way his sister had, relief coursing through him.

“Where’s my mom?” Bellamy pointed to a tent.

She made her way through the temporary camp not intending to watch the events unfold at the entrance of the mountain. The looks she was getting were full of awe. She didn’t see Monty, Jasper, Lincoln or Raven. There was probably no reason for them to be there. As for Lincoln, it was probably a bad idea for him to show up. They might have formed a coalition but tensions were still not completely mended.

____________________________

The extraction was going smoothly, Marcus and Lexa were idly standing by making polite conversation as their people shuffled in and out of the gates.

“Perhaps in the foreseeable future, we can plan trades once Arkadia is able to successfully sustain itself. Or perhaps even an exchange of knowledge.” Marcus said.

“I’d like that very much. Soon, I will be sending word for such arrangements.” Lexa liked Marcus from the first time they had met in the cell. He seemed determined at the prospect of peace and she was glad he was voted as chancellor by the sky people.

Suddenly, a blast that shook the earth went off. A ball of flame pushed its way out of the gates and debris began closing off the entrance to the mountain. There was no way anyone in there could’ve survived. They didn’t have time to make sense of things before arrows began picking their targets one by one, delivering deadly blows. Lexa looked around for the source when an arrow caught her shoulder; the blunt force of it brought her to the ground. Marcus put Lexa's good arm over his shoulder and dragged her behind a treeline.

In a span of a few seconds, several foot soldiers with guns began to retaliate, striking the enemies in the branches. When the commotion had began, Clarke and her mother were pushed back into the tent by a panicked man who had come back from a supply run. Once the gun shots ceased, Clarke walked out and saw several bodies sprawled across the field and a fortress that was brought to the ground. She spotted Lexa behind a tree, clutching the arrow lodged in her shoulder blades. She made a beeline to her position and kneeled down. Perspiration ran down Lexa’s forehead and her breathing was labored. Clarke was shocked to find blood that was as dark as the warpaint she puts on.

“What is this? Poison?!” Clarke had never panicked this much at the sight of blood before.

“I'm a natblida.” Lexa replied with increasing effort.

Clarke’s hands hovered around the damaged area. “I can’t just snap this off, it could cause serious nerve damage. Help me get her to the infirmary!” She barked out. A trikru warrior helped move Lexa to a tent.”

“Mom.” Abby’s eyes widened.

“Apparently there’s much we still don’t know about the ground.” Clarke explained as they set Lexa on the operating table.

“We need to stop the bleeding.” Abby said. Lexa’s vision began to blur and then everything went pitch black.

___________________

 

Lexa woke up to the pain in her shoulder. Her eyelids felt heavy and she couldn’t will herself to open them. She tried to focus on the sounds around her, she heard murmurs in Trigedasleng and the rustling of trees. She stayed like that for a few minutes until she sighed softly.

“Lexa? Are you awake?”

She opened her eyes and met Clarke’s concerned gaze.

She groaned and pushed herself up using her good arm.

“Stop. You’re hurt. You’re lucky it didn’t hit any major nerves.” Lexa’s head was throbbing. She closed her eyes momentarily and realized that underneath the thin white sheet she wasn’t wearing anything but her trousers. She blushed.

“How long have I been out?”

“Only a few hours. We gave you a sedative. You’re not suppose to be awake.” Clarke pushed her gently back on the bed.

“My scouts?”

“They took them out before they got to us.”

“What happened inside the mountain?”

“Apparently, a self-destruct option was issued. We think one of your warriors might have done this.”

“Clarke- Impossible.”

“There was no other way in and we know for a fact it wasn’t one of us. Look, I’m not trying to put blame on anyone here. I’m just telling you what we believe to be the truth.”

“Azgeda.. they must have gotten to them.” Lexa became agitated at the thought.

“You scared me.” Clarke blurted. “Your black blood, I mean.” she cleared her throat. “You never thought to mention that?”

Lexa gave her a sideways glance. “I want to speak to my general.”

A few moments passed and she clenched her jaw at the lack of response from Clarke.

“I’m sorry. She died from her injuries. One of your warriors rode for the nearest village to give word of what happened.” Lexa pushed herself up again slowly and managed to throw her legs over the side of the bed. She winced in the process. Her back was turned to clarke when the sheet fell away.

“God, you’re insufferable. You can’t do that.” Clarke eyes roamed the intricate tattoos that covered Lexa’s back. “You’re not even suppose to be conscious.” Lexa ignored her as she grabbed her bindings by the bedside and began her feeble attempts to wrap it around her chest. When her efforts proved to be futile, she threw them away and went for her shirt.

“Lexa! You’ll break your stitches.” Lexa was keen on ignoring her.

“Why are you doing this? Is it because you’re afraid of appearing incapacitated and weak?”

Lexa paused. “I’m doing this because my people need me, Clarke. I don’t have the luxury of resting when terror threatens the coalition.” She attempted to put her shirt on again and winced.

“Let me do it or you’ll need more stitches. Your pain receptors are probably still dulled from the opiates for you to be this functional.” Clarke walked around to Lexa’s side of the bed and hesitantly stood between her knees. She tried to avoid staring at her breasts as she helped Lexa with her bindings. Seeing Lexa this unguarded and helping her dress was too intimate. She felt the rush of warmth spread out through her stomach and cursed herself for feeling this way. They both avoided staring at each other during the process.

“You’re suppose to be confined to bed rest for at least a few days or you’ll make it worse. Not that it’s a particular concern of mine but the Ice Nation proved to be a threat today and to beat it you can’t go around pretending you’re invincible.”

“I appreciate your counsel, Clarke.” Lexa said sarcastically. “but we’ll see about rest when the Ice Nation answers for its crimes.” Clarke helped Lexa with her shirt next.

Lexa went to grab her armor when Clarke caught her wrist. “You can’t put pressure on it. I think I’ve given you enough leeway, don’t you agree?”

Lexa quirked an eyebrow. “On the contrary Clarke. I think it is I who has been tolerant with you for the past several days.” The air was dense between them. The last time they were this close, Clarke had a knife pressed to Lexa’s throat.

“Let me fasten my shoulder guard at least.” Clarke huffed and proceeded to help her with it. She decided to focus on the task at hand rather than at their proximity. Lexa got up on wobbly feet but she was too proud to let it show. She had lost too much blood for Clarke’s liking and signs of an infection have yet to make themselves visible.

Lexa left the tent with her head held high to the best of her abilities. Her warriors bowed in a show of respect. The first thing she noticed was that her warriors had moved further away from where the sky people had set camp. They were also behaving suspiciously among themselves, spaced out into groups of three or four.

“Notrina’s sekond, step forward.”

A young man made himself known.

“What do you think of what transpired inside the mountain.”

He was hesitant to speak but eventually mustered up the courage. “We believe Delano was communicating with the Azgeda representatives back in Polis plotting this attack for some time now. Somehow, he obtained information on how to destroy the mountain from the inside.”

“And how did you come to hold such beliefs?” Lexa asked.

“He had been distant, voicing his discontent with the sky people and the coalition. He disappears when it’s his turn to stand guard during the night. Rumor is he meets with hooded men with no clan symbols to distinguish them. He wasn’t very loyal but we considered him a brother.”

Lexa nodded. She trusted her warriors to flush out any other spies in their ranks.

“Tomorrow we leave at first light to head back to Polis. Today, the skaikru have shown who their true alliances lie with. What happened here will not be forgotten. The Ice Nation intruded on a truce we have created with the skaikru and they will answer for the crimes they have committed.” Lexa gave a few more words of encouragement and retreated back to the tent with Clarke following closely behind. She removed her shoulder guard and put it aside. She lied on the bed with an audible sigh.

“What do you mean head back to Polis tomorrow? You’re in no condition to travel.”

“I understand if you no longer wish to go back. Perhaps another ambassador can fill your place.” Lexa said.

“Are you asking me to stay behind?” Clarke frowned.

“No, I’m giving you a choice.”

“Then I’ll go back to Polis to remain ambassador to my people like we agreed.”


	3. Chapter 3

Lexa didn’t seem better off in the morning. A thin layer of perspiration was coating her skin and an inspection of her injury indicated the beginnings of an infection. Abby gave her pills and salve to rub on her shoulder. They rode in silence and every once in a while Clarke would sneak a glance towards the ill woman. She offered her pain killers but Lexa refused, saying it would cloud her mind. Despite the sling on her arm and her uneven gait on the horse, Lexa managed to ride on her own. Clarke could tell Lexa’s warriors were vigilant about protecting their commander. They rode slowly, stopping often enough for her to rest. Clarke changed Lexa’s bandages every time it deemed necessary. Lexa didn’t challenge them; she let them pick their own pace. It took a while longer for them to reach but they finally made it back to Polis and rode the elevator to their quarters. Clarke followed Lexa to her room.

“Sit. Let me change that.”

“It’s fine. My handmaidens can take it from here. I’ve hassled you enough.” The blonde felt uneasy at the prospect of someone else touching the commander when she was vulnerable. Her senses were still riding high from the events that unfolded in the mountain and she didn't bother analyzing what she felt.

“I think I’d do a much finer job dressing your wound.” She found Lexa looking at her with an expression that could only be described as perplexed.

“I just don’t want someone else ruining my mother’s work.” The brunette mused over Clarke’s reasoning. “This doesn’t mean I forgive you.” she added. Clarke began replacing the bandage, roughly at first, but then gently unwrapped it off her shoulder.

“One day, I hope you will.” Clarke decided to ignore the admission. “Your blood.. does it have anything to do with being heda?”

“It does." Lexa didn't elaborate further and so Clarke worked in silence. She let herself focus on the mindless task.

"There’s a clan meeting tonight. I’ll see you then.” Lexa said when Clarke tied the last knot on her sling. She took that as her queue to leave.

“And Clarke? Thank you, for dressing my wounds during the journey.” Clarke nodded and walked out.

_

When Clarke entered the throne room, Lexa was clad in her full commander suit and she wasn’t wearing a sling on her arm. She tsked, not knowing what she was expecting. Lexa looked sickly pale but she thought that perhaps if she didn’t know of her injuries then she wouldn’t bat an eye.

When the throne room was filled with the clan leaders, she noticed one of them was missing. “Bring in the Ice Nation delegations.” Lexa ordered. The guards entered the room surrounding five or so Azgeda mercenaries that had their wrists bound together. “Speak for yourself.” Lexa demanded.

An Azgeda representative spit on the ground beside him. “The mountain should have been destroyed long ago and yet you allowed these sky invaders to pillage their supplies.”

“The sky people are part of the coalition which you are now not. Your crimes are as follows. Treason. Murder. A supply cut that would’ve benefited us all with our talks of trade with Arkadia. And finally, the attempt on my life. You will be made an example of for conspiring with the queen against the coalition. Take them away.” she said with a flick of her wrist.

Once they were taken out of the room, their talks resumed and more clan ambassadors were engaging Clarke. Asking her about their technology and medicine. Clarke soon realized that what the skaikru considered advanced, the others considered a threat to their livelihoods. Nuclear bombings did after all cause genocide nearing the extinction of the human race.

________________________

Clarke decided to go back to the library one morning. She found the book about the spirit of the commander. She learned that natblidas were the only ones capable of being vessels for the spirit that harbored the souls of all the previous commanders. She also discovered something called ‘The Flame’ and how during the conclave, a natblida would be chosen by the will of The Flame. There was no science to it and she was aghast at how an entire culture could believe this. Surely, there had to be a logical explanation.

A week had gone by since the confrontation with the Azgeda representatives and she hadn't seen Lexa since. She didn't know anyone here and no matter how much contempt she felt towards the commander, seeing her was a welcome distraction. Clarke took to the streets of Polis one day followed by guards who said they were only under the orders of heda. She thought she could ask them of Lexa's whereabouts but word would reach her and she definitely didn't want that. The common people recognized her and they graciously offered her trinkets and spiced treats. Other days, she would get consumed by a work of art. After long hours she would find smudges of charcoal on her face and an impression of an ominous image sketched on the fine papers. She had nightmares but she would quickly wake up from them. When she finally saw Lexa again, it was in the hallways. Lexa was covered in blood. It shone a bright red and although Clarke was glad it wasn't her own, she wasn't entirely comfortable with the observation. She thought she would never fear the woman clad in full armor and warpaint again but now the sight of her was unyielding and fierce. She dazed over Clarke, not registering her presence as she passed. Her hurried movements and the morbid expression etched on her face gave away further signs of distress. Clarke had half a mind to go and follow her but decided against it.

Two hours passed and Clarke was getting impatient. No one had bothered to tell her anything and the longer she waited the more infuriated she became. She nervously tapped her foot against the marble floor in anticipation. She resolved to go and check on Lexa for herself. She walked towards the quarters and gently wrapped on the door. After a few seconds of silence, she entered the room and found Lexa asleep on the bed. She was dressed in simple black garbs; her braids were undone and her expression took one of serenity. Her face was relaxed against the dim light casting through the curtains. It was such a contrast to how she looked earlier. Clarke felt like she was intruding on something no one witnessed before, cause surely if they had then Lexa wouldn't seem like such an anomaly. She willed her legs to move but they were rooted to the spot. Clarke's eyes took in the steady rise and fall of her chest, the hand resting on her abdomen and bare feet sprawled on the sheets. The domesticity of it kindled something in Clarke. When she looked back to her face, she found drowsy green eyes staring back at her. Clarke looked away and cleared her throat. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I'll leave."

"Wait." Lexa pushed herself into a sitting position on the bed. "Is something wrong?"

Clarke sighed, contemplating her next words. "I'm tired of being left in the dark. I don't know what's happening around me." she admitted. Lexa felt sympathetic towards the blonde, she was away from her family and friends and she hardly knew anyone here. "I understand Clarke, but right now there isn't much you can do." Lexa got up and poured herself a glass of water; she used her injured arm without a hint of trepidation.

"How's your shoulder?"

"It's fine." Clarke knew with an injury like Lexa sustained that she wasn't suppose to raise it for a few weeks in the least.

"Can I see?"

"It's not necessary. It's healed."

"I want to see for myself." Clarke didn't believe a word of it.

Lexa rolled her eyes and tugged her shirt aside to reveal only a scar. Clarke's curiosity peeked tenfold. "How?! Wait, can your roll your shoulder?" Lexa found her reaction amusing so she did as she was told.

"The flame heals me faster than a regular person." She shrugged.

"You mean to tell me that you have super strength?"

Lexa laughed light-heartedly. The sound hit Clarke straight to her core, her attention alternated between the brunette's eyes and lips. Lexa immediately picked up on the change of mood. Clarke's eyes were pupil-blown, her gaze was intense and Lexa ached to mend things between them. Before she had a chance to continue the thought, Clarke grabbed either side of her shirt and brought their lips together in a bruising kiss. Lexa melted into her touch as the blonde's tongue made it's way inside her mouth. She gasped at the assault on her senses. She brought her hands to hold Clarke's waist but they were slapped away.

"No touching." Lexa's brows furrowed. She tried to remain as gentle as possible against Clarke's rapid strokes. She was pushed back against the sofa and was trapped between Clarke's legs at either side of her waist. Clarke's hands slipped under Lexa's shirt and caressed the expanse of muscle beneath.

Lexa brought her hands to Clarke's waist again, holding her closer. "I said no touching." Clarke growled. She pinned her wrists above her head and bit Lexa's lower lip in a show of dominance. The brunette panted harshly against her.

"Clarke, what are you doing?"

"Tell me you don't want this and I'll stop." Clarke continued her onslaught; she brought her mouth to Lexa's neck and nipped unevenly. She smelled like cinnamon, more sweet than spicy and Clarke thought it could intoxicate her.

"I don't want you like this." Lexa said, voice hoarse.

"Wrong answer." The blonde brought her tongue against the smooth surface of Lexa's neck and alternated between licking and biting. The whimpers she was eliciting brought Clarke immense satisfaction.

"Please, Clarke."

"Please what?" Her hand slid beneath the waist-band of Lexa's trousers and felt the wetness pooling there. Lexa moaned and suddenly Clarke realized all the things wrong with this situation. She removed her hands and stopped kissing her all together. Her head was on Lexa's chest and she could feel the wild thrumming of the brunette's heart. They both lay against each other for a few moments, breaths still erratic. Lexa swallowed audibly, realizing how unhinged the blonde could make her feel.

"God, you're easy." She knew her words would hurt.

"Just..get out. Get out."

Clarke disgracefully made her way off Lexa's lap and walked out the door without looking back.

_______________________________

Later that night, there was a clan meeting no doubt to explain Lexa's whereabouts. It was the reason Clarke visited her only a few hours ago but then things took a drastic turn. Clarke didn't anticipate her actions and she definitely didn't predict the way Lexa was going to react. The young woman was soft and pliant underneath her. She knew her feelings for Lexa invited more hurt; the complexity of their relationship put them both in a sensitive situation. But in some twisted way, she wanted Lexa to hurt too. The talks commenced once everyone was seated. Clarke avoided staring at Lexa too long; she didn't think the commander would spare her a glance anyway.

"Over the past week, we discovered Azgeda luring people with the promise of coin. They set underground camps around Polis and tipped several of our tribesmen to their side. When we confronted them, they fought against us." Lexa paused, weighing her words carefully. "We managed to subdue a few but they were more than we anticipated. We still don't know if we managed to disrupt their way of operations so starting from tomorrow- the gates of Polis will be sealed. No one is allowed to enter or leave the city on unofficial business." Clarke became claustrophobic at the thought.

"With all due respect commander, I don't think that's a good idea." Clarke regretted interfering once she saw the scathing look Lexa sent her way.

"Oh and why is that, wanheda?" She didn't like the name she'd earned but knew why Lexa used it. She wanted to remind everyone that wanheda didn't challenge her. Sitting in this room, she felt like a mere trophy and paced herself before responding.

"If you close the gates, the Ice Nation will sense your fear and they will take it as a sign of momentary victory."

"Some situations require drastic measures to be taken. Our people are aiding an enemy clan, they need to be reminded that treason is a punishable offence." The other clan leaders nodded in agreement and so she let it go. After all, it wasn't her people that were conspiring with the enemy. Clarke realized that for the first time since she landed on earth.. she didn't have any urgent duties. The realization wasn't entirely unwelcome but it made her all the more uneasy for whatever she would have to face next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and appreciate any thoughts you might have!


	4. Chapter 4

Clarke supposed she should feel worse about her behavior. After months of untamed emotions rushing through her, the calm and quiet was a stark contrast and Lexa was the only one she could take it out on. She thought about the brunette's healing capabilities and wondered what other privileges the flame gave her. Clarke was in the library, rummaging through stacks and stacks of dusty books. She tried looking for what the flame meant but it seemed like a limited source of information for such an important part of people's beliefs. She heard someone clear their throat behind her.

"Apologies, wanheda. The commander requests your presence in the war room." She followed the young man as she absently wondered what Lexa could want. She wasn't asked to attend battle related meetings before and assumed that her role as wanheda ended when she bowed to the commander. It never occurred to her that Lexa was trying to protect her from the burdens of choosing who lives and dies. The guard led her through the corridors of the hall, through twists and turns she didn't recognize. Clarke's suspicion began to rise. Almost akin to her thoughts, the man whirled around and directed a knife at her. She barely avoided it and shoved him away with a kick.

The man staggered back and snickered, surprised at the defense mechanism. "No one said you were a fighter."

"I don't get called commander of death for nothing." She replied, revealing a knife tucked in her boot. After living in the woods for three months, it only became habit.

"Don't worry, I'll make it quick." He laughed.

"It's a good thing I came prepared then."

Before the man had a chance to strike again, a sword pieced its way through his abdomen. His face contorted into one of shock as he hit the ground with a thud. He lay between her and a figure who had a hood over their head.

"Stay back." Clarke warned. The figure sheathed their blood stained sword and removed the hood that cast a shadow over her face. "I mean you no harm." the red head said, hands raised in mock surrender.

"How did you know I was here?!" Clarke asked, refusing to put her knife down.

"I've been assigned as your silent guard the day you arrived to Polis."

 _God, of course Lexa would do something like this._ She tugged the knife back in her boot. "So, you've been following me around all this time? I don't recall seeing you riding to the mountain with us." Clarke thought she would have definitely recognized a woman with wild red curls that complimented her dark skin and rosy cheeks.

The woman smirked imperceptibly. Arrogance. "Then I do my job well." she said.

Clarke pushed past her and made her way to the throne room. When she entered, Lexa was facing a crowd of disgruntled commoners.

"I understand, but the decision has been made. I trust the people to report any suspicious behavior. The sooner they do, the faster the gates to Polis can reopen." Lexa saw Clarke enter from the the corner of her eye. Once everyone shuffled out, she made her way to stand in front of the commander.

"Clarke, I see you met Kala."

"How could you let someone spy on me without my consent?!"

"Commander, you were right." Kala interjected. "There was a traitor among the guards guild and they made an attempt on Wanheda's life." Clarke bristled at the name. It was ironic that someone had tried to kill the commander of death.

"It seems Kala wasn't the only one keeping an eye on you, Clarke." Lexa kept her composure intact at the news. She quickly glanced for any sign of injury and was relieved to find none.

"Trust me, I'm grateful but I don't appreciate things happening behind my back. I know too little as it is."

"I'm sorry. We needed to keep it as quiet as possible or the enemy wouldn't have outed themselves."

"So I'm bait?"

"That wasn't my intention and you know it."

"I don't really know much of your intentions, do I, commander?"

Lexa pinched her nose in exasperation. It seemed like whatever she did, her actions would backfire. Would things always be this way between her and Clarke? She didn't know what else she could do to reassure the blonde of her intents.

"Kala, would you please give us some privacy.. and good work today." She motioned for the guards to leave as well. When they were alone in the large expanse of the room, Lexa stood up and walked towards the blonde.

"I know you're still hurting..but I don't know how to make it better." Lexa's voice was softer; she seemed sympathetic and willing to help.

Clarke sighed. "What if I also don't know how?"

Lexa took the blonde's hand hesitantly and rubbed small circles of comfort using her thumb. Clarke's breath hitched at the intimate gesture.

"We'll figure it out together."

Clarke took her hand away as if it's just been burned. "I can't."

"The Coalition was for us too. I'll never hurt you again. I'm sorry. " Lexa said.

Clarke pointed an accusatory finger at Lexa and pushed her back with every passing word.

"You never gave me a reason to believe otherwise."

Lexa calf connecting with the throne and she was pushed back onto a sitting position.

She was stunned silent. Clarke was rightfully hurt but she was powerless to do anything to help her. She was trying to ignore their unresolved feelings in the hopes that by time things will mend themselves.

Lexa sighed, seated feebly on her throne. Her usual regal posture was absent and she thought only Clarke could reduce her to this state. She didn't know what to say or do so she just stared back at blazing blue eyes. Clarke seemed to be rooted to her spot, waiting for some kind of retort.

"Until you decide what it is you need, I'm willing to help.. but right now I can't be your rival. We need to be clearheaded for our people." Lexa knew Clarke wanted to get a rise out of her and she hoped her patience wouldn't aggravate the blonde further.

Clarke absently nodded having the decency to look ashamed. If this accommodated her in the slightest then it would have been far too easy, Lexa thought.

"How's this for clearheaded?" Clarke straddled Lexa and kissed her abruptly, suppressed emotions surging through her. She only hoped Lexa couldn't tell the extent of the feelings she harbored. By the way Lexa was kissing her back, she also possessed a measure of those feelings. The brunette was soft against her; those gave away her inclination while Clarke was firm and demanding. They were such a contrast at this moment. Lexa was able to remain professional and calm but when the blonde touched her, she could be read so easily; there wasn't a mask she could hide behind. Clarke was emotional and volatile in different circumstances but right now she was sure of her calculated movements that clouded the commander's mind. She was waiting for Lexa's hands to touch her so she could intentionally deny her.. but she couldn't feel them anywhere. Lexa was exhibiting a show of restraint, remaining compliant but indifferent to Clarke's mind games. If the sound of her breathing was any indication, Clarke was definitely having an effect on her. She doubled her efforts, she began grinding her hips onto the brunette's while nibbling at her jawline. Lexa had a knuckle grip on either side of the throne when Clarke realized she was intent on not letting go. She decided to go for a different tactic and slowed her movements and the sway of her hips. She began to play with the hairs at the nape of Lexa's neck, twirling them gently while she planted slow heated kisses on her pulse point. Lexa moaned and it was the first sound she had made other than her hitched and uneven breathing.

"Clarke-" Her voice was hoarse and the K clicked in warning. Her hands hovered around the blonde, wanting to bring her impossibly closer.

Clarke stilled and studied Lexa, the gentleness she initiated was working against her now and the blonde's initial motives felt unclear. "Touch me." she said, surprising both of them.

Clarke's eyes were pupil blown and silently begging Lexa to reciprocate; she was only happy to oblige. Her hands rested on the curve of the blonde's waist, tentatively sliding her thumb over her abdomen. Once she realized her actions only excited Clarke, any pretense she had was foregone and their lips met again in a passionate kiss. Lexa's hands roamed upwards to rest just underneath the swell of her breasts. They moved in sync, Lexa no longer gentle and coaxing but moving against the blonde in rushed anticipation. They fumbled at each other's clothes, trying to slide their hands beneath the fabric that was becoming uncomfortable by the second but Lexa suddenly stopped and blue met green in a phantom haze. "What is it?" The blonde asked and Lexa knew there was no malice in it.

"You're still angry with me." Lexa stated, but there was also a question in there somewhere.

Clarke stared at the impossibly soft lips. "I'm angry you make me feel this way. I'm angry at the circumstances we're in." Clarke blew a breath and felt her eyes brimming with tears. This was definitely not a conversation she wanted to have on the brunette's lap. Lexa took in the sight of her, bottom lip jutting out and eyes cast away from the her. Lexa brought her hand to cup Clarke's face gently. "Hey, look at me." Her tone was sweet and Clarke wondered why she ever tried to deny the comfort Lexa offered. Clarke looked at her then and the emotion she saw swirling in the green orbs made her heart sore all the more.

"You can't keep doing this." The laugh that escaped Clarke could've been mistaken for a sob.

"I won't do anything you don't want me to. I meant what I said about the coalition being for the both of us. I care about you, Clarke."

"You can't just care about me. You have to care about my people too."

"They're our people now. Nothing can push us apart anymore." Lexa spoke with so much conviction but it felt too good to be true. "Beja, Clarke. For the first time, my head aligns with my heart and I'll do everything to keep it that way."

Clarke's laugh couldn't be mistaken this time and she sniffled. They both felt content to stay put before facing the world again. Lexa would rub circles of comfort on Clarke's back and she hummed whenever Clarke would adjust her head resting in the crook of Lexa's neck.

When they finally untangled themselves from each other, both felt better than they had in months.


	5. Chapter 5

Clarke felt content to stay on the brunette's lap until Lexa began to gently coax her off. They didn't know how long they stayed there pretending the world wasn't waiting for them outside the door of the throne room.

"Clarke?"

"Hmm."

"Maybe we should get up. I still have meetings to attend."

Clarke nodded and they both stood up and began smoothing the wrinkles on their clothes. They gave each other a once over and nodded- it was far more awkward than Clarke could've imagined. It wasn't like they did anything other than hold each other; the events preceding it however was another matter and she blushed at the transparency of her actions. She wanted Lexa, that was known.

When Clarke left the throne room she was saw Kala casually leaning against the wall as the guards shuffled back inside to take their usual posts.

"You're still here." She said and began walking the opposite direction. Kala scrambled to catch up with the blonde's fast pace. "In our culture we say thank you after someone saves your life."

"I could've taken care of it myself.. thank you." It didn't sound too convincing.

"I know everyone fears the great wanheda, you might be sharp and quick-witted but you haven't been trained in our ways. So forgive me for thinking that you didn't stand a chance against an assassin." A so-called assassin that missed at his first strike, Clarke mused. _Must've been nerves_.. or it could be that she was attuned to a higher level of adrenaline nowadays. Things have changed. When she was on the Ark, the ground was romanticized. But spending one day on earth burnt all those fantasies to ash. What they really needed to learn was strategy, acting on instinct and how to fight.

Clarke stopped in her tracks, an idea already forming.. "Teach me."  

"Excuse me?"

"Teach me how to fight." Clarke of course knew how to fight but it was dirty and messy.. what she needed was more finesse to counter the preemptive attempts on her life. Ones Lexa still believed were still lurking in the tower. She was wandering Polis in search of something to fill her time with anyway.

Kala seemed hesitant at the prospect. "I'm not a trainer." the redhead shrugged.

"Oh how hard can it be to teach someone how to defend themselves? Or are you just afraid an over glorified symbol of death would be better than you expected?"

"I'm not to appear around said symbol of death. Perhaps, you should take up your request with _Heda_." Clarke huffed, perhaps she'd do just that. "So you're my shadow then." She wasn't entirely comfortable with the thought.

"I'm afraid it's out of necessity." Kala said dejectedly, giving Clarke the impression she wasn't the only one who was unhappy with this arrangement.

"And what were your duties before you were gratified by saving my life?"

* * *

 

A mischievous grin later and Kala was telling her all about how she spied on the Ice Nation by becoming a high ranking Azgeda general herself.

"I bet it stings to get demoted to wanheda's sitter then."

"Lexa trusts me, she can say very few of others in times like these." Using her name didn't go unnoticed. "The danger is unlike all the previous attempts Azgeda made on the coalition and bringing the Skaikru into it was the final straw."

Clarke seemed to digest this new information. "We've never had any contact with them before their attack on Mount Weather so why do they care?"

"They don't. It was a way to get to the commander. The bunkers they discovered.." Kala grimaced.

"What about them? The ones they were hiding in?"

"Except they weren't just hiding or recruiting fighters in there. The other bunkers they led the commander to discover were of a ..sick nature."

Clarke paled. "What do you mean? What did she find?"

"Decapitation. You wouldn't understand the significance of it if you don't know who Costia was or what happened to her. Some traitors would crack under the pressure of interrogation and lead the commander to other hideouts. Most ended up being traps of provocation. Letting her generals take the reigns on this one would've been a sign of weakness.. And before you know it they made their way through a dozen or so bunkers filled with decapitated corpses." Kala said it all so casually, as though it was just another day on the ground.

Clarke felt bile rise to her throat. She very well knew what Costia meant to Lexa. "She never said anything about this when she briefed us."

The redhead nodded, unbeknownst to Klark, she was there when Leksa told everyone what had happened.. but the warriors who came back talked in their drunk stupor and soon word spread. The people the Ice Nation captured would either join the rebellion or be killed. Someone didn't want the killing to go to waste.

Clarke suddenly felt very _very_ sick. Lexa's decision to seal the gates of Polis made more sense. The blonde looked behind her to where she had just left the commander. Her face contorted in confusion and rage and her heart suddenly ached painfully. She was barely able to mask the emotions swirling their way out of the pit of her stomach.

"You care for her."

Clarke steeled her jaw against the sympathetic expression the woman was giving her. "It's complicated."

"I can imagine just _how_ complicated." Clarke could see the wheels turning in her head.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be? Like pretending you're not following my every move?" Kala took that a sign to leave the Klark alone. She moved aside, indicating she was free to go and Clarke did just that. She went back to her quarters and began pacing nervously. Lexa couldn't just expect her to be a calm force in everything that was happening.. or rather ..an ignorant force. She managed once again to keep her out of the loop. She had no doubt the other clan ambassadors already knew what transpired and the commander's little 'briefing' was no more than a courtesy call. Clarke remembered how haunted she looked when she came back and the way her eyes ghosted over her. _This was so wrong._ Someone had planned it so thoroughly, knowing Lexa was going to be there to discover them. What had it all been for if they knew their plan to sustain the bunkers would fail? She jumped when she heard knocking on the door. She went to open it and was faced with a woman dragging along a wooden cart in possession of several goods. She delivered food into her quarters and left with a small nod of her head. Reenacting the events Lexa had gone through in the outskirts of Polis put a dent to her appetite. She wondered how Lexa was able to appear calm and collected in the face of it all.

Clarke's days in Polis were long and dull. She hadn't confronted Lexa after learning of Azgeda's schemes, mostly because she didn't know how to. They never sought each other's comfort after that day in the throne room where their plethora of emotions were strung to the brink. When exhaustion settled in, they just gave way to it. Clarke couldn't explain how sitting in mutual silence could speak volumes and how words couldn't scratch the surface of what they wanted to convey. It was evident that what they both felt was unbidden. If Lexa was anyone else, Clarke's outbursts of resentment would be absent. If the person who betrayed her hadn't been so close to her heart, then she wouldn't have considered it betrayal to begin with. No one plans for love.. especially during war.

She sought the busy streets of Polis instead. She wished her people could see the bustling street and the merchants immersed in trade. Arkadia could only hope to reach the animated nature this place achieved. Polis was earth, not the stale metal and protruding wires surrounding them. There would always be guards at Clarke's side but a few times she thought she would catch a whiff of red trailing her. She had to doubts Kala was following her but for a while Clarke entertained the idea that no one was keeping an eye on her but then she'd make herself know every now and then. The woman did not seem to be from Azgeda or Trikru for she bore no marks from either clans.

Clarke saw a few artists in Polis, brushing their strokes widely across a canvas. She took a closer look and upon inspection, she could see the details forming with every studied flick of their wrist. It was different than Clarke's technique. They didn't bother with realistic portraits but instead indebted a sense of emotion into their figures. The young woman so enamored in her piece noticed Clarke's interest from the corner of her eye.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to block the light." Clarke said upon noticing the woman tilting her head.

The trikru woman was taken aback by being spoken to in English but she was more surprised by the blue eyed beauty scanning her work. "I enjoy people looking at my art.." The woman admonished with a thick accent.

"You must be Clarke." It was the first time someone regarded her with her real name other than Lexa in the city. She immediately formed a liking to the blunt woman. She gave a nod of her head at the her expectant gaze and asked for her name in return.

"Denae"

"Are you an artist, Clarke?" She even said her name like Lexa. She wasn't anything like her though, she scanned at her unbashfully indicating she was interested. Denae wasn't hard on the eyes either. Her brown hair was trimmed to the jaw and her eyes were a dark hazel. She wore a simple garment that had pigment stains on them, undoubtedly from the dye she was using. She appeared to be carefree and full of no strings attached promises.

"I use to be." She said, trying to mask the unspoken words littered between the lines.

"Join me." The woman made room for the blonde to stand in front of her, facing the canvas. Clarke would've felt mild trepidation at the offer had it been she didn't grow accustomed to the people here. She silently mulled it over but didn't join the woman despite the welcomed offer. Perhaps she had a reputation to uphold as wanheda.. perhaps she didn't deserve to do something that made her happy.  Ultimately, she thought she needed redemption. So she went to the healers bay and offered her services. They recognized her as the commander of death, not as caretaker, healer or a giver of life. And these people were not short of superstitious. No one dared deny her help though. She was assigned to a knowledgeable healer and fetched things for the gray-haired woman. What she liked about it the most was that she wasn't treated any differently than the others. These meager tasks were far below in her area of knowledge but she would have to prove herself to get somewhere here. She relished in the thought of starting from scratch and complied eagerly to the demands she was given. So, every other day Clarke would come back and the people in the bay would act surprised upon seeing her return. It went on for a week before the healers admitted that Clarke could be of significant value to them and promoted her to a more permanent position.

* * *

 

Clarke tried to find a comfortable position to lie in after hours of fitful sleep. She was restless and assumed it was the lack of physical activity. She got up and rummaged through her closet for comfortable garments. It would have to do for a walk in the tower. She made her way to the library and found Lexa slouched on a comfortable chair. Clarke's instinctively ducked behind a large shelve and regarded her own actions quizzically. Her stomach fluttered in the wake of it. She didn't think she was avoiding the brunette; she just didn't want to bother her. She studied her from the brackets of books perched on the shelves. She could see several stacks of books scattered on the round wooden table. She seemed deep in though, brows furrowed and expression all too endearing. It was awfully late and the place was empty. She wondered why Lexa hadn't looked up to see whomever had entered it during this time of night. Clarke chided herself for acting immature and made her way to Lexa who hadn't looked up until Clarke stood at a reasonably close distance to her. Her face registered surprise.

"Clarke- Hey.." Lexa looked comically around her, expecting that other people had entered the library as well. She would often get so engrossed in a story that she'd stay up well into the morning.

"Can I join you?"

"Of course." Lexa gestured to the vacant seat opposing her.

"I take it you can't sleep as well?" Clarke asked.

"I don't require much sleep."

"Ah.." The irony of it was not lost on Clarke; Lexa was a nightblood and well.. it was the middle of the night.

"I never needed much sleep. A few hours a night does it for me."

"I was about to ask if you even slept but I guess that answers the question." It was said with a tinge of humor and Lexa tried not to relish in the light exchange.

"Can we talk?"

"We're doing that right now, aren't we?"

"You're spending time for yourself and.. I don't want to intrude."

"Reading about nuclear deterrence isn't exactly something I would do for myself."

"Nuclear deterrence? I don't see any nukes lying around."

Lexa shrugged. "It can be a means of learning how to deal with other situations."

"Well, nonetheless. I don't want to burden you with my company for the night."

"Clarke, I enjoy your company." Lexa said, as though it was the most obvious thing.

"You mean between arguing with you and making you widely uncomfortable? No need for any pretense. I know I haven't been much of that lately."

"Would you like it.. to change perhaps?" The brunette asked hesitantly.

Clarke gave a small nod of her head.

"What is it you wanted to talk about? You know I'm always free to discuss your people's needs."

"This isn't about my people. It's about what I'm doing here." It wasn't accusatory.. it pleaded understanding.

"You know you're free to leave whenever you want to, Clarke."

"Do you want me to?"

"No."

"Then why don't you want me to leave?"

"It doesn't matter what I want." Lexa avoided Clarke's eyes. Admitting her feelings didn't come easy to her. Admitting selfishness, much less so. "We need an ambassador of Arkadia, who's to say it can't be you.. for whatever reason."

"But that reason is because you want me, regardless of political motive?"

"I- I-" Lexa shook her head, trying to get her thoughts in order. Something she never struggled with before.

"Clarke.. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. I wouldn't ask anything of you. I- You once said life should be more than just about surviving. And I told you that you were born to be a leader. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe this is your chance to live your life without having expectations placed on you. It's the only thing I have left to offer you." Lexa looked anywhere but at Clarke. She gave away too much. But Clarke's hand delicately tracing hers pacified her increasingly agitated thoughts.

Clarke laughed lightly. "You know I'm not cut out for that."

Maybe it was the way Clarke was looking back at her, maybe it was the hand lightly caressing her own because Lexa suddenly felt hopeful that perhaps she did have something more to offer. Maybe it wasn't too late to explore whatever this was between them. So she'd wait. She'd wait until Clarke was ready too.. no matter how long it took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've begun working on another story so if you liked this one then check it out! This is gonna' be put on hold for a while.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> @ http://icherishpotatoes.tumblr.com


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